what to do when his words dont match his actions
His deportment don't match his words in a adept and bad manner?
(27 Posts)
My experiences with men has been clingy, egotistic, overbearing, fast moving, propose in 3 months kinda guys. I've as well experienced a lot abuse and manipulation in these past relationships which means I've been actually struggling to myself dorsum out in that location, even though I'm quite confident and secure in myself. I get triggered quite easily. I've been seeing this guy for near 3 months and I really like him. And this guy is the complete opposite to anything I have ever dated. But I'1000 so scared that I'm misreading signals because I've never experienced someone who is, potentially, genuinely down to world and in no rush. I can't aid but think, what if he actually doesn't intendance and is taking me along for a ride?! It's been three months and information technology's then relaxed, I think my anxiety is trying to find reasons to make this a drama.
The first 2ish months I had made information technology very articulate I wanted a casual human relationship and he agreed. I genuinely believed that I wanted this, firstly, because of the trauma I went through I had decided to take a long break from relationships and secondly I did non expect to somewhen care and then much about this guy.
A month and a half ago our communication kinda faded off and I realised how much I wanted to keep seeing him. So I hitting him up honestly, and told him I really wanted to keep seeing him (which I don't call up I hinted to earlier). E'er since then things take been great only again because of my past human relationship traumas I experience abiding anxiety and paranoia when we are abroad from each other because I can't read some of his signals
Trying to keep this brusk so I'll write out the positives and negatives:
- he offered to be exclusive after I bought up how I was feeling broken-hearted about our casual relationship status. I didn't have to suggest it. He deleted his dating apps as well. He even implied he stopped seeing other women subsequently meeting me.
- We pretty every bit programme things!
- I found when I expect him to be shitty/afar or manipulative he has not been, he has been quick to apologise and fast to empathise with me.
- He has fabricated comments virtually being worried that "I'll put his head on the chopping block" if we move to quickly and how he wonders if he should exist so comfy and weird in front of me so early on.
- he made efforts to come to my friends party's, concluding minute, just to see me. All my closest friends were there and he is a big introvert.
- This calendar week he introduced me to his friends. Friends who are basically his family. He also told me he never brought his ex to hangout with his friends crusade he didn't think information technology'd last. And so it felt very big that he introduced me.
- When nosotros were with his friends he was affectionate to me in front end of them
- we agreed to regularly hangout on Mondays
- when we are together he is actually affectionate, circumspect and nosotros have and then much fun. Plus nosotros have very passionate sex.
- Regardless of the passionate sex he has frequently just come up over to hangout. A lot of the time we are together we end up only giggling, cuddling and talking all night long and then perchance sexual activity, and the sex is e'er incredible. He definitely doesn't brand me feel like he just wants my body.
- I went out terminal dark with friends and got pretty boozer, I chosen him to see if he was up. He had work early on in the morning merely still told me to come up over. Then he made himself late to work the next morning, he said it was considering his bed was warm but then hinted it was considering he didn't want to leave me.
- he does make small future plans for the states like future dates and fun things we could do
- he fabricated a annotate a week ago nigh how he understood why my past two exes wanted to marry me and that he hasn't met many people that make him experience as comfortable equally I practice.
The negative things are:
- he is a terrible texter. He will post on his Instagram after ive texted him (more often than not just posting memes) and so respond to me, very often. He has consistently been this mode tho, so there isnt actually any significant changes in that behaviour. Sometimes instead of replying he will just like my messages. He has never properly left me on seen for more than a couple of hours and he always finds a way to send me something or bring something up over text notwithstanding I detect myself waiting on his replies ofttimes. I messaged him about a big deplorable life event that happened and he just liked the message. I was meant to come across him that night and when I did he was super caring and attentive to how deplorable I was but it still really got to me that he had done that.
- I accept told him flat out multiple times that I don't want a human relationship many many times (out of protectiveness, I'm enlightened how childish this is merely I tin can't help it) and how much I demand u.s. to go really slow. When we had our big talk about being exclusive he simultaneously told me nosotros tin exclusive but he doesn't accept time for a girlfriend. He said that we should see where things go but also he was afraid he is accidentally walking into a relationship. He also said how he thinks he isn't fabricated to exist in a relationship because of his terrible time management. He runs his ain business completely solo and then works two other part time jobs and he was honest that he always puts that starting time.
- All that leads into how he is and so terrible at planning. He planned this thing with his friends and I, completely unprompted past me so didnt become dorsum to me near it until two hours before we were meant to exist there. He will show up tardily to our dates frequently equally well. He has apologised and said that he does value my time just it doesn't make me feel that way. In saying that when we are together he always finds way to extend the fourth dimension we have together. He is never in a blitz to leave me and is e'er finding reasons for usa to spend more fourth dimension together.
- We both accept the same sarcastic humour and nosotros tease each other a lot. And he sometimes makes weird flippant comments about our relationship that seem uncaring but then volition dorsum track later and say something squeamish. I always joke nigh how nosotros are "just friends". He got kinda bothered by it today so i deceit tell if he is pretending to be cool or really doesn't care about the relationship
- I'm not sure exactly how long but I know he broke up with his ex relatively recently. More than 6ish months ago. They still have photos of each other upwards of each other on their Instagrams. They don't follow each other or talk merely I know communication isn't 100% cut off from between them. Yet I exercise believe him that he is over her. He speaks kindly of her but she definitely was calumniating, physically and mentally to him. Even though right at present he doesn't phrase it similar that.
I don't know where to get with him from here. I experience like things are naturally progressing but also in that location is resistance or peradventure fear on both sides? Or perhaps he is merely stringing me along?
The texting thing really bothers me but I feel uncomfortably bringing it up if it is only something he genuinely struggles with. I don't want in that location to be any expectations between u.s.a. just yet because we are so chill right now.
I am simultaneously so terrified of putting my pes in it and showing my needy side but also I refuse to exist stupid and try act like he is ready to be anything for me if the signs are and then clearly pointing toward him not beingness prepare for a relationship
His deportment don't match his words in good ways and bad means? Sometimes his texting is bang-up and fun and when we are together he makes me feel like his girlfriend but then his texting seems and so devil-may-care and his occasionally brassy comments almost us makes me experience distant from him sometimes.
Exercise I let it naturally progress or bring up all my trivial anxieties and gamble being overbearing??
I'k going to exist blunt 
It seems to me that you are making a huge complicated vocal and dance about a relationship that could be simple, straightforward and casual - if y'all would only let it.
I think yous are sending massively mixed letters about not wanting a relationship but and so also wanting exclusivity and also wanting relationship trappings like messaging back earlier doing something else. You joke you are just friends and and so wonder if he'due south property dorsum from existence more than only coincidental.
You are over complicating it. Be upfront with him about how y'all experience and what you want, and then meet how it goes from there.
What @Tambora said!
You have massively complicated it to the point I'm not sure Y'all know what y'all want. You tin can't have a salubrious relationship if you approach it from the point of fright - y'all've drowned out any natural instincts past letting insecurities and anxieties overwhelm you lot. And even if he did like you, the mixed messages volition put him off. Just exist upfront and honest about what you want from him - he will either give it to you or not.
And instead of worrying so much almost whether he wants a human relationship with you, spend more time deciding whether he is the correct one for you. Practise his values, advice style, priorities etc align with yours. That sort of thing. Atm all you're focusing on is whether he likes you enough - are you lot sure his personality is the correct fit for yours? E.g can yous live with him always putting his business and jobs first? That sort of thing.
DizzySquirrel90 Thu 06-May-21 16:40:55
I'm actually sorry op, but you sound fucking exhausting. How can anyone know if they're coming or going with you? Y'all say you don't desire a relationship, only nevertheless you do, and you desire to be super casual yet you go upset if texts are replied to quickly plenty, and on and on and on. Anyone would be walking on eggshells deals with all of these mixed signals.
Honestly, I don't think you're in a stable enough identify to be in a relationship correct now. You lot don't even know what you lot want, so you can't possibly expect someone else to effigy it out.
Yous wanted causal, that's what ya got. I'd let it naturally progress rather than trying to strength anything... if you do that you lot may push him away, when it could naturally progress into a lovely human relationship.
Also regarding the texting, I'd honestly drop it. Don't be glued to your phone.
Texting can become irksome if he feels that he has to reply to everything earlier doing something else.
Information technology sounds like y'all said casual, but you meant you wanted a swain who would ok with you lot being casual towards him.
Work out what you actually want, nowadays that to him and go from there.
You clearly aren't ready for any type of relationship at the moment. Y'all do non know what y'all want at all. Poor guy must exist thinking what on earth has he got himself into. I would step away until 1 day you actually know where your life is heading.
Ah your needy side has been well on display already and he'south not run off. He clearly likes you and is worried near pain y'all. I think you now need to effort and accept a scrap more responsibleness for managing your own emotions as you're putting a LOT on him to manage and being pretty disruptive about what you await of him.
Being a bad planner and bad texter doesn't mean he'south not into you lot. They're just his personality traits. Neither of them mean he'll be a bad partner but at the same fourth dimension they probably won't change. (As both a bad texter and a bad planner, I speak with authorisation here - both DP and friends will frequently detect me on Twitter instead of replying to their messages.)
Regarding the rest of the "bad" stuff, you lot're sending him very mixed messages. Yous're maxim you don't want to be in a relationship but your deportment aren't matching your words. He's protecting himself emotionally by making a joke of it, maxim he'southward too busy anyway.
I am simultaneously and so terrified of putting my foot in it and showing my needy side merely also I refuse to be stupid and try human action similar he is gear up to be anything for me if the signs are so clearly pointing toward him not being ready for a relationship
In other words it sounds like the opposite of this is truthful. He's not fix to bear witness you his feelings if the signs you're sending him point towards YOU not being ready for a relationship.
The texting and planning sounds like he may have dyslexia. So no drama in that location.
Still I hold with other posters, you do sound difficult piece of work, it's like some shit episode out of Dawson Creek. You really don't sound set up for a relationship. The weird things is you exercise know what your doing which comes beyond really manipulative. Information technology might be a protective thing y'all are doing only it all sounds gameplay. Endeavour counselling and stop messing the poor guy around with your mixed messages.
I agree with all pp above. Beginning you say tell him you want something casual, simply then you lot get upset when he acts coincidental or says he wants the same. and then when he seems to want a picayune more than and then y'all say you want something coincidental. I recall he'south feeding off the vibes you are giving out to him. I've done this before as a mode to "protect my eye" - i tried to fox myself in thinking i didn't want something more than when i actually did merely was protecting myself from hurt if the other person decided they didn't desire the aforementioned.
i recall you demand to whorl with it and run across where it goes. merely enjoy it right now.
He's literally told yous he doesn't desire a relationship.
You need to listen to him.
I don't want there to be whatsoever expectations betwixt us but yet because nosotros are so arctic right at present.
You aren't then chill, your anxious and confused about the status of the relationship / not relationship and need to be honest with yourself about what y'all really want.
Y'all are being very disruptive, sending mixed messages and and then is he. This means neither of you is in a identify to be dating someone without absolute, total clarity of what is going on and what the side by side steps could (or can't) be or someone is going to get hurt.
I'm afraid it'south probably going to be you.
I think it would be worth knocking this on the head and having some counselling to unravel your approach to relationship dynamics before dating anyone again. It can exist such a valuable affair to do and really help you work out your ain boundaries and expectations.
If you're thinking / agonising / questioning this much three months in then information technology's not a healthy relationship. At all!
@youvegotteinuteslynn
Have you had relationship counselling?
I'm thinking of trying it as I have trust problems from a previous ex who cheated on me and i experience I'm bringing these issues into my new relationship!
Whoknows11
*@youvegotteinuteslynn
e* Have you had relationship counselling?
I'm thinking of trying it as I have trust issues from a previous ex who cheated on me and i feel I'1000 bringing these issues into my new relationship!
I found counselling life irresolute in helping me really address the life experiences that had influenced my attitude towards relationships. I kind of knew what they were and was aware I was repeating bad habits etc but until I was accountable once a week to a therapist I just kept making the same mistakes. I committed to going weekly and not dating until I felt I was truly ready and I had a year or and then of not dating at all, felt able to set my own pace and have articulate boundaries when I started again and am at present finally in a happy, healthy relationship. We laugh every day, don't have any drama and experience totally comfortable and honest. It'south easy - I never thought it could feel like that. I would recommend counselling to anyone who is repeating the same mistakes in relationships but feels it'southward inevitable - it isn't and you can take control 
@youvegottenminutesly
Thanks that's great. I've booked my first session next calendar week.
I too experience my issues are becoming a pattern in my relationships and the guy I'thou dating currently is as well proficient for me to mess this one up!
It's crazy the damage that was washed 6 years agone are all the same an issue but I'm more determined now to sort things for good!
Whoknows11
*@youvegottenminutesly
nn* Thanks that's bang-up. I've booked my first session adjacent week.
I too feel my issues are condign a design in my relationships and the guy I'chiliad dating currently is besides practiced for me to mess this one up!It's crazy the damage that was done six years ago are still an issue but I'm more determined now to sort things for good!
Mine stem from my family unit dynamic. I went to therapy thinking I would speak virtually my romantic relationships and every week concluded upward offloading about my dad and brother. Information technology was a mind bravado revelation! Well done on booking in counselling, information technology'south a dauntless and positive thing to do
God y'all adore him don't you lot.
He has said to you he will be exclusive simply doesn't accept time for a girlfriend.
At this point you back off. You lot accept pretended to be blaze about your feelings only y'all have fallen for him hook, line and sinker. Don't kid yourself that y'all are in control.
I agree with @youvegottenminutesly
The texting and planning sounds similar he may have dyslexia
Blanca this is really interesting, can y'all exolain why?
Op i accept a human relationship which was very similar to yours. A year on its grown into a really nifty, mutually affectionate, proper human relationship. The all-time thing I did was arctic out and go with the flow a piffling.
For a 3 calendar month human relationship information technology sounds far from casual! You take met each other's friends, spent lots of time together, party's etc (I didn't know political party'south were happening)
You lot both sound pretty into each other, and so what's stopping y'all?!
As others take said, don't complicate things and don't analyse texts.
I become fed up of texting all the time, just 'liking' your message he's acknowledging it, not ignoring it. Life's too brusk-just relish!
@HomicidalPsychoJungl
I have dyslexia and this is how it plays out with me. I tin can be really unorganised, terminal minute kind of thing partly because I'one thousand spinning lots of plates. I find texting really exhausting likewise, it'due south just not my method of communication. She says they talk all night and so it sounds from the postal service he is talker not a texter.
Likewise, If he has a business concern he perchance using his capacity and focus on that so anything outwith may be more challenging to prioritise. Like planning things in a timely manner.
Like I say, when I read it those behaviours seemed to jump out.
Of class Im only interpreting a mail from a dyslexic lens, I could exist talking total shite..
This looks like avoidant behaviour from yous, the pull him in only button him out if he gets also close is a classic symptom. It'southward based on fearfulness which you have pointed out. He seems quite secure, is consistent and open towards you which if y'all can hang in at that place volition probably exercise you the world of expert over fourth dimension ie get used to having someone half decent in a human relationship. All the same, it'southward non great for him to get these mixed messages from you. You lot may stop up wearing him out, and then possibly some therapy to work through your panic may help. By experiences don't have to be current 1.
Blanca thats actually really helpful to me. Dp has dyslexia and in the early on days I took the traits y'all mention as signals he jwtim. I know he is more now, only this will help me empathize him ameliorate, thanks.
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